Hump Day Ephiphany

I had an epiphany today.  It came about after I was reflecting on my car purchase last night when I spoke up and told the car dealer what I expected and what I wanted and how vocalizing my needs felt so very good.  I began replaying the choices I've made in the past and you know what?  Many of the choices and decisions I have made have been to make other people feel better, to satisfy their wants, to make their life easier all the while being detrimental to myself.  

Every time a man asked me to marry them, I said yes.  Every time someone came to me and wanted a favor I said yes.  I said yes to make them feel good, to make their life easier, to give them their way, and to increase their own comforts all the while decreasing my own satisfaction and self-worth.  I have frequently forgone my own best-interests in order that a friend, a lover, a boyfriend, or a husband could feel better or have an easier life.  Why?  Why are my interests and priorities not at the top of my list?  And why has it been acceptable for me to take a backseat just so others can "feel better"?  Why have I placed myself at the bottom of the list?  And why does the notion of being first made me feel guilty, as if I was being selfish by wanting to first satisfy my own needs and pleasures?

Obviously while performing this soul searching, I've realized that for some reason it has been ingrained in my psyche that I must take second place, that my needs are not number one, and I should only accept scraps and left-overs as my own.  I've come to the realization that I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!

Without meaning to sound self-centered, right now it's all about me.  Yes - ME!  It's not selfish to outline what I want in this world, what I want from a relationship, and what I need in order to make me feel good.  Throughout my life no one else has considered it selfish to put their needs first and foremost so putting my needs first should not incur the wrath of personal guilt.

Of course, Rome isn't built in a day so it will take an active, concerted effort on my part to retrain my thinking and actions in order to put my needs at the top of my list.  I've decided to work on the following goals:

From now on, I

• Will not make decisions based solely upon how the decision will affect the well-being or emotional health of another person (unless of course it involves my children).  I am not responsible for the choices others make or their emotional happiness - only they themselves are responsible for their choices;
• Will vocalize what I need from others in order that my expectations are outlined and understood;
• Will not accept behaviors that discount my needs or in some way manipulate my emotions in order that I feel "bad" for someone;
• Will stop performing in a caretaker role to others and begin taking care of myself first and foremost, understanding this is necessary not selfish behavior;
• Will not say "Yes" just because it's easy and because I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings;
• Will say "No" when it doesn't feel right to me, doesn't make sense, or jeopardizes my emotional well-being;
• Will take a deep breath, focus and think before I answer anyone's personal request of me so as to ensure the decision I make is the right one for me;
• Won't put up with bullshit;
• Will not be afraid.

Whew!  That's a lot of heavy self-examination for a Wednesday night.