Introspective Christmas Eve

"If I say something or do something people (including my friends, family, children, and loved ones) don't like or do something people don't agree with, I won't be loved."

The above statement is the biggest lie I've believed for many years.  After serious soul-searching and contemplation, along with the help of a qualified therapist, I've come to learn that my life decisions should not be made based upon the approval of others.  Instead of saying what I believe others expect of me, I'm learning to verbalize my point of view and what matters to me.  Seeking approval from everyone as well as putting myself at the bottom of my priority list, after all these years, just hasn't worked for me.  It's made me unable to clearly state my expectations of life and allowed everyone else to have control over the choices I've made because I've given them the right to approve or disapprove.

The first few times I threw caution to the wind, stepped out and stated how I truly felt to a loved one, I was scared.  Beyond scared - fearful to the core that my honest truth would get me into trouble, I would be sternly judged, and all the love in my life would be lost.  This co-dependent behavior was so deeply rooted since my childhood and my adult life it steered my life course, turning my path so everyone's approval was what I sought. 

My kids became my first guinea pigs.  Would they still love me if I told them "No"?  Would they respect me?  Or would the world as I knew it come to a screeching halt? 

What occurred was at first a mystery to me.  When I said "No" and set down rules for which they must abide, it seemed they loved me even more.   How could this be?  None of the fantastical storyline in my head came true and in fact the opposite occurred.  My boys did what I expected and have learned to be more responsible.  My home has once again become my sanctuary.  Stating my honest opinion and not wavering on my expectations has resulted in far greater positive outcomes than I ever imagined. 

It also made me feel good.  Better than good, empowered and independent!   If my thoughts were so truly wrong about the reactions I expected from those whom I love the most - my children - then my new angle on communication could only bring a far more positive reaction inwardly than I ever expected.

Seeking approval from others and learning to communicate honestly without premeditation is a hard habit to break.  And, as with all new habits, takes dedication and perseverance to implement.  Sometimes I fall back into old patterns of communication then have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.  I'm striving to sidestep those co-dependent potholes because in the end they cause more damage to my inner self than taking the healthy route.

Because I've behaved in a certain way for some many, many years, some people like me that way and expect me to continue in this self-destructive manner.  Is it selfish to vocalize my honest opinion?  To state what I do and do not like?  And who better to make a decision than me about what happens in my life?  Anyone can disapprove of my choices but it is my right to make decisions as I see fit.  While I always accept and appreciate well-thought advice, the bottom line is that the best decision to be made for me will be done by me.  Because the approval I've always sought I've now come to understand should be my inward approval, not the approval of others.  And for all those who love and respect me should do so regardless of the choices I make, the opinion I voice, or my honesty. 

Enough introspection for this wonderful Christmas Eve!  This 2012 has brought me wonderful blessings and I truly wish for continued blessings to occur for my family and many friends in the new years to come.