Saying Goodbye But Realizing He's Still With Me

Today was Michael's funeral and it was perfect. Heartfelt with a mix of tears, laughter, and prayer.  Sam and his buddy Cody attended it with me.  The family was nice enough to allow me to ride in the family limo while Sam followed us to the church.  Many, many attendees - family, friends, cousins, nieces, nephews - the works.  Beautiful music, touching poems, and then the viewing, something I've never been fond of.  However, Michael looked good - wearing his black suit, bright pink shirt and tie. I said my final goodbyes, slipping a card and picture of us together in with him.  The service lasted about an hour then we made the procession to the cemetery for his burial.  

At one point during the drive to the cemetery, Sam, who was several cars behind me, called and asked if I had seen the accident.  Uh, what accident?  Apparently, a bike rider drove right in front of one of the cop motorcycles who were guiding the procession.  Both the motorcycle cop and the bike rider went flying.  Sam and Cody were only two cars away so they saw it all.  Cody, trained in firefighting, hopped out to check on each person, telling the others to call 911. Apparently there were a few broken bones and a lot of blood shed between the two victims.

Just as I finished speaking with Sam, there was big BOOM that came from the limo.  WTH??  Could have been a popped tire.  We made it to cemetery in one piece, but it appears it was the shock system that blew.  We all (well, half of us as the other half were delayed by the wreck) exited our cars and waited for the rest of the procession, along with a replacement limo, to show up.  I just knew Michael had a hand in all the delays!!  He wanted his day to go on and on and on and that's just what happened!

After his burial, we all made our way back to the church for food, food, and more food!  It was a great ending for a wonderful service.

The following is the poem read during his service, which I found very meaningful and how I want to remember him - as if he never left at all.

Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Canon Henry Scott-Holland

   

What's In Store Next?

It’s apparent that I’m embarking on a new chapter of my life as the signs are all in front of me.  Turning 50 was a big one.  Jordan leaving the nest and moving to Nebraska in May/June, getting a job, his license, a car and becoming a full-fledged adult.  Beginning then ending my relationship with Michael in the worst way possible, grieving for a man who was such a large part of my life.  And now Sam, my youngest, moved out last night with his buddy into a rental home.  This leaves me an empty nester, alone except for my little pup.  

It’s been 21 years since I’ve put someone else’s needs ahead of my own; actually, 26 if you count my first husband.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been responsible only for myself – no one at home to care for, to look out for, to help, to solve problems.  It’s just me now, which takes some getting used to and is kind of scary.

Perhaps it’s time for thought and meditation on this new chapter of my life.  Do I remain in this house?  Trade it in for a smaller house or even apartment?  Move closer to my work…perhaps to a bigger city?  Investigate jobs elsewhere?  The thought of leaving an oversized home for a smaller dwelling is definitely appealing to me.  Get rid of the upkeep and downsize my housing responsibilities – no lawn, no home repair, and only rent to pay.  Sounds appealing.

There’s a lot to think about for the next steps in my life.  The pages are beginning to turn and I’m eager to find out what’s in store.

The Beach with My Best Buds!!!

The Blue Jacket Diva weekend was a complete success!!  Sally and I rode in her convertible in absolutely beautiful weather to meet Jan and Perla at Hump's in Clatskanie for breakfast Friday morning.  The next stop was for Jan and Perla (as her caddy) taking on a Gearhart golf course while Sally and I cruised to Cannon Beach.  We bummed around, viewed some shops, then stopped for crab cakes before returning to Sally's home in Seaside.

At that point, Janel showed up so we had cocktail hour before departing for Bigfoot restaurant for dinner.  Prime rib - yum!! After getting a tip from our waitress for karaoke, we ended up at Twisted Fish in Seaside - no singing but a Journey tribute band was playing.  We drank and talked and drank and laughed and made two new friends - Trish and Tom.  We ended up at home after 1am....talked and laughed some more before hitting the hay.  I laid my head down to sleep and Mr. Nauseous came to visit.  Ugh.  Had to get it out of my system so made a trip to the bathroom, getting rid of Friday's dinner.

Saturday morning, after plenty of coffee, we made our way to Sally's brother's estate sale then grabbing lunch at Seaside Brewery, historic place that was previously City Hall.  Then an afternoon of shopping Seaside ensued, including a stop at Zinger's Ice Cream - never been there but the homemade ice cream was scrumptious!

At that point, we were dragging so back to home.  A little relaxation, then a few cocktails, and were back on the road to Cannon Beach, in pursuit of meeting Trish and Tom for dinner at Driftwood.  Alas the line at the restaurant was too long and T&T no show so we then cruised down the street to Fireside Grill, where we had dinner and drank Armando's Bloody Mary, one of the best I've ever had.

Learned how to use panoramic feature on my phone from Janel

Returning to the car, Janel popped back into Driftwood where she found Trish and Tom, letting them know we'd be at the Twisted Fish.  Back to Seaside, we snagged a table from the band (with whom we'd become friendly ala groupies) and sat back for the show.  After the previous night's episode, I limited my alcohol consumption some, not wanting to repeat the pukefest.  Band was great, T&T showed up, and people watching both inside the bar and on the street were priceless.  I took a sneaky pic of a gal with serious 80's hair - so permed yet so thin and bleached it was a sight to behold.  It's at those moments I wish I was an ambush makeover host; her poor little look begged to be remade.

Sunday morning arrived and we were all ready to pack and hit the road for home.  The weather continued to be warm, cloudless and blue sky - could not have asked for a better beach scene.  Convertible ride home was just as nice as the drive there.

Was a great weekend with friends and a nice diversion from missing Michael. Can't wait to plan our next trip!!

The morning after

Give me coffee!

Help my hair....please!

Can't Wait for the Weekend

It's been a very trying week so far but I'm looking forward to spending a weekend away with my Blue Jacket Divas this coming Friday.  Michael's funeral is not being held until September 19 so I'm still able to continue with my previous plans of spending time at the beach with my friends.  It will be a chance to divert my attention from missing Michael and spend time with my long-time buddies.  Diva Sally owns a vacation rental in Seaside so we will all be bunkering down there and enjoying the seaside community, drinks, and her hot tub!

Yeah, it's gonna be like this!

Sweet Dreams My Love

He fought a tough battle but last night at 6pm Michael could finally rest.  Thankfully, we were able to visit, talk and share one last kiss before he was gone.  He was stubborn, determined, and opinionated but he was also kind, sweet, complimentary, and he helped me in so many ways with his advice and guidance.  He taught me to set boundaries, to make myself a priority, and stand strong.  Even after our breakup we continued to talk every day - laughing, joking, and hearing about each other's day. He was my closest friend, my confidante, and I will miss hearing his voice every day.

He was one of a kind, a true original, and I will miss him so.  Rest in peace my Michael.

Not the Bee's Knees

Waaahhh!  I don't like being in pain!  Yesterday I walked/jogged the lake then hit the gym afterward to lift weights. My knee felt a little funky then I woke up this morning in pain!  So sore so I popped some Aleve. Spent all day hobbling at work; once home I rubbed it with Ben Gay. Didn't do a thing so my next treatment was to pop a prescription pain killer, a muscle relaxant, and laid some frozen corn on my battered knee.  Fell asleep on the couch, woke up and now it's time for bed. I'm praying for a quick recovery!

Goodbye Joan

She was a comedic legend, a devoted mom, and especially a fashion critic icon!  Gonna miss you on Fashion Police!!!  May you rest in peace, Joan!!

No Kidding!!!

Lovin the Lake!

The gym was closed yesterday so I decided to get my workout on at the lake. Jogged/walked half the lake and it was awesome! Great weather, perhaps a little too warm, but I struggled through and finished. Made me think back to the day when I could jog the entire lake...twice! Oh, perhaps that day will come but it will take time. I may just repeat yesterday's lake routine today because I enjoyed it so much!

I've also decided I'm going to keep on becoming healthy rather than focusing my efforts on losing weight.  I get stuck on the scale and frustrated with my efforts so I figure if my main goal is to simply exercise every day and keep eating healthy, this will help me reach my goal of fitness, rather than reading the scale.