All the Difference

I was driving home tonight when I passed a neighborhood couple who had recently gotten married.  They are a wonderful couple who have been together forever; I was so happy for them!  However, as I pulled into my garage, I got a twinge of "Why not me?  I deserve a happily ever after!"  Selfish, I know, and it may have been brought on by the "Smile" Glee song I was listening to in the car (see to the right.)  So, after a good cry in the car, I looked for some inspirational words on line to change my state of mind.  I found the following blog article from All the Difference and it put things in perspective.

You Don't Get What You Deserve by Travis Corrigan

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

Sometimes you have days where you exclaim what a friend of mine puts succinctly as "thank goodness I didn't get what I deserved." Two events reminded that today was one of those days.

First, I had brunch (yes, brunch.. don't judge) with a great friend and former professor who had made a large contribution in functionally saving my life a few years ago when I was (hopefully) a much different person dealing with the consequences of making much worse decisions than I do now.

Though we don't get together as frequently now (my fault), some portion of the conversation are dedicated to updating him on what I am up to. Because these conversations act as snapshots of my current life, we both reflected on where I was when our friendship began and the path to where I am now. I was humbled and reminded of the fact that there were a lot of people from '08-'09 willing to see beyond the scared, angry kid I was and instead focus on my potential and help me move from the former to the latter.

The funny thing about memory is how much of the total situation falls away to the point where you recall only a few fragments (usually the ones that cause the smallest amount of emotional upset). The other funny thing is how all the details come rearing back in vivid detail simply through conversation with the people that were there.

As we wrapped up our conversation and departed from the restaurant, I took stock of where my life is now and what it was just a few years ago. All of my relationships are fantastic (at least they are for me), I am awash with more opportunities than someone my age should be getting and have made enough progress as a human such that there are slightly more people who have nice things to say about me behind my back than those who feel inclined to say otherwise. Considering all the selfish, hurtful things I've done in the past, I am thankful that I have not gotten the full brunt of what I deserve.

This is what I was thinking about when I stumbled upon this:


That's right, a free skateboard with about 8 skateboard decks underneath sitting right in front of my apartment building. Double. Winning.

Life has a funny way placing things into motion such that your life works out the way it does. Sometimes you miss a deadline by a few seconds or make a wrong turn or you decide to have some agency and overcome that fear of making a connection with someone. All the little inches in life put you in place to give you the hand you have today. Everything that didn't work out (both good and bad) is giving you everything that is working out (again, both good and bad). The free skateboard I got today after brunch is a function of a desperate email I sent in November 2008. I didn't deserve it, but I'll took it anyway.

Some people may say that Karma is a bitch but I think that she's a pretty decent gal. I'm sure that if we look over our lives we'll realize that we a got a decent amount of good stuff and avoided at least 10x of the bad stuff we deserved through the same channel: serendipity ...or fate, if you are so inclined.

In either case, be thankful. Life is short. Continuously performing gap-analysis and complaining about how things "should" be is not good stewardship of your life. But if you must do it, then at least acknowledge the negative consequences that could have very well played out to make the life you have now a blessing.

Single Gal Seeks Intelligent Man with Limbs Intact and Clean Teeth

Mainly for shits and giggles and my own personal entertainment, I'm back in the on-line dating scene.  Interesting.  It's always fun to review the ads in order to determine if there is someone out there who is intelligent, entertaining and attractive as well as not being a drug addict, sex offender, or married.  I'm still not comfortable with the whole "sell me" mentality - it seems a person has to present themselves as this year's great new model or the blue light special of the week.  Plus the unspoken rules of etiquette - do I contact them first or do I wait for them to contact me?  To chat or not to chat?  Exchange email?  Oy!  It's complicated for a single gal!! 

No Use Trying to Stop Time!!

I was gazing out the porch when I realized how much bigger Sam is then when I used him as the silhouette for my fence.  Eyes rolling, he agreed to stand next to the figure so I could see how much a few years makes difference.  What a handsome boy as he stands next to that sadly painted figure!!!

Long Blonde Gives a Boost to Diva's Esteem

I have to be honest - ever since I got the long hair extensions, men have been, well, friendlier than usual.  Just more willing to start up conversations, letting me go first in line, smiling....it's very strange.  This hair has also boosted my confidence - I'm walking taller, I've got the lip gloss going, and I even bought new underwear - a matching bra and panty set of all things - today!  I guess the long hair is giving me that nudge to begin working the sexy confidence factor that is lingering somewhere inside of me!   And I'm kind of enjoying it!! 

I've also been receiving Mama Gena's Daily Fluff via email every day, which gives me much needed food for thought.  Mama Gena, who I learned about from Diva Sister Luna, focuses on The Pleasure Revolution, as excerpted:

The Pleasure Revolution is an adjustment to the soul of a woman. Women were never taught to guarantee their joy. They were taught to guarantee the joy of others, take care of others and then whatever crumbs were left from that were theirs, but when a woman reverses the order and really pays attention to her pleasure, making sure that each choice feels absolutely right to her and absolutely gratifying to her, she’s going to makes choices that enhance her life and enhance the lives of others.

I'm trying to keep this in mind - paying attention to my needs and what feels absolutely right to me.  So now I'm going to start wearing the "good stuff" for myself, not waiting until there is a man in my life to appreciate it.  Although, based upon the new attention I've been receiving, this won't be far behind!!!

Gewurztraminer! Bless You!!

I'm not much of a wine drinker, but last night I sampled some Gewürztraminer wine.  It was so good I picked up a bottle tonight and sat on my back porch in the sun sipping a glass of it.  Yum...and quite the relaxer!   Both boys are off with their friends so the house is quiet and I'm enjoying every minute of it!  My wine glass is a gift I received for my last birthday from Diva Andrea - isn't it cute?  Pink tiger striped and it also has a little black feather boa around the base.  Diva to die for in my opinion!!

Wishing It Was School Clothes for Me Too!

Saturday found son Sam and me at Clackamas Mall shopping for school clothes.  He is my fashionista son, who seeks out all of the "right" clothes, as opposed to son Jordan, who is happy for all black with skull motif.

Our biggest haul was at Zumiez.  They were having a ton of deals on buy one, get one half off shoes, hoodies, etc.  They also offered free delivery of items they did not have in stock, which included a pair of Nike tennis shoes and just the right color of hoodie.  We also picked up a "seatbelt" latch belt along with an old school "snapback" baseball hat.


P-Rod shoes on order



The elusive Zine hoodie we ordered



Supra high tops




Cool snapback hat

 

 We swung by Foot Locker to pick up a new pair of Michael Jordan mesh shorts.  Sam is soo funny because he always touches the material on clothing to make sure it's the "right" kind.  Had to be mesh, not nylon!

After picking up some cologne at PacSun (gotta smell the right way) we ended up at JCPenney to grab an assortment of plain tee shirts along with some flannel shirts.  That's Sam's uniform - jeans, tennies, plain shirt, fannel, and baseball hat.

One son down and one to go!! 



The trusty flannel



Failure of Fall Fashion

This picture popped up when I went to my email provider this morning.  The caption was "The New Colors of Fall" or something like that.  Hello??!!!  Orange, mustard yellow, and an ugly, Amish denim dress?  I might as well pack up my closet and go home!  Lord knows I've had a yellow purse before but I simply cannot picture myself throwing on those loud sunflower earrings and thinking I'm couture!  And the dress??!!  I have no words, unless they are "Pentecostal soccer mom"!!   These pictures lead me to believe we are now in our "hideous" phase of fashion this fall!

An Evening of Friends and Foolery!

The Pure Romance party turned out to be a success, although it made for a very long night.  There were around 15 of us at the event, eating, drinking Pink Panty Dropper Punch, and catching up.  The party director was running late so her presentation of the naughty items didn't start until after 8pm.  She had her sexual dog and pony sales show turned up to full speed - every comment was a double entendre, a joke, or a naughty reference.  Several times I glanced over to my stepmom, brave enough to attend but obviously unprepared for the content, to see her cringing. 

Numerous lotions, potions, and powder, as well as a vagina hand puppet, were passed around the room for the girls to rub, lick, or smell.   It was almost 11pm and the director still hadn't started talking about the "vibrating" devices so we gently guided her to wrap things up.  Several of us had migrated back to the kitchen to chat and it seemed the party director was a hindrance rather than entertainment.   To be honest, it began to feel as if she was the female embodiment of my ex-husband and for obvious reasons, this began to annoy me.  If I had to hear one more sexual joke about lube, dicks, or G-spots, I was going to bonk her over the head with the nearest dildo!

After playing "Kiss the Cowboy" using the Pure Romance lip gloss, the director finally moved upstairs to my room so she could take order information from the gals in a private setting.  I was happy to see she had all the items on hand because distributing brown-paper wrapped packages to everyone wasn't on my wish list.

By the time everyone had ordered, our goodbyes had been given, the house cleaned up and the party director back on the road, it was 1am.  Wow - a late night for this diva!!!  But I'd do it all over again, perhaps skipping the Pure Romance and making it simply a friend's night.  I got to talk with new friends and enjoy the company of old pals I hadn't seen in years.  Thank you to all of my friends who shared an evening of bawdiness, laughter, and hugs!!



The vagina puppet!







Adriana scores a bullseye!



Oh Friday How I Love You!!

It's Friday and I'm gearing up for my Pure Romance girls only party tonight!  Yesterday I cleaned; today I'll be leaving work early to pick up a few party essentials.  I'll be whipping up a batch of Pink Pantie Droppers as the drink of the night.  Never made it before but it includes pink lemonade, punch, beer, and vodka.....odd combination but apparently it's very tasty, plus it falls in with the theme of the party. 

If you were invited to the party, please come!  If you weren't invited, show up anyway!!! 

Toasts for a fabulous weekend, Divas!!!

Vacuum Surgery is Such a Drag!

I spent the evening cleaning the house, including the downstairs bathroom, in preparation for my Pure Romance party Friday night.  I started vacuuming and it just didn't seem to be picking up very well.  So I removed the hose and began tugging tons of fluff and lint from it.  I couldn't reach any further so I opened Mr. Bissell, removed the bag, then began extracting more fluff/lint from there.  I ended up having to grab my drill, take off the screws, and dismantle the hose in order to get all of the yuck out of the hose.  Toward the end I actually had that damn hose up to my mouth as I blew through it to eject the remaining particles that were lodged in the middle.  Look at the resulting pile!  Disposing of my treasure, I reassembled the vacuum and turned it on.  Damn that contraption ran well!!  It's a miracle what a pile of lint will do to mess up a person's cleaning routine!!

A Little Self-Reflection is on Tonight's Menu

As many recently divorced women do, I spend time seeking out information on why I make the choices in men that I do.  On more than one occasion, I have become smitten with what can only be termed a narcissistic psychopath, as defined below:

Narcissistic Psychopath

1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;

3. Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions);

4. Requires excessive admiration;

5. Has a sense of entitlement;

6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends;

7. Lacks empathy;

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him;

9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes.

What draws me to this type of personality?  If it is true that opposites attract, how does the above define my personality?  Perhaps those with psychopathic traits seek out those who naturally have the qualities they unrealistically desire?  Since I desire many of these qualities, it appears I am fooled into believing the men I meet actually possess these traits when it is really a facade. 

On the other hand, it could be I seek out what feels like "home" to me in a man, meaning I seek out the traits that were inherent in the male role model in my life - my father. One of the biggest eye openers I ran across was a 20-question quiz about Adult Children of Alcoholics.  Answering honestly, I scored a whopping 95%!   This definitely explains why I always go for the "wrong" type of man because this has been the definition of a husband my whole life! 

Common Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

• Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.
• Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.
• Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.
• Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.
• Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim.
• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties.
• Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.
• An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors.
• A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of.
• Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings.
• Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical.
• Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.
• Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.
• Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others.
• A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others.

I don't write this to place blame on my father, only to investigate the reasoning behind why I make the repeated choices in love that I do.  Uncovering this knowledge will give me a better key to selection when I begin to open my heart to love.

Much Better Rihanna

Rihanna is going back to her brunette roots.....doesn't she look fabulous?  Much better than the bright red!

A Star is Born.....Throw Him a Bone!

My brother Todd shared his new commercial with us today, which features himself, daughter Maressa, and, as the star of the show, dog Copper.  It's fabulous!!

And Just a Few More......

A few more pictures along with some additional beach memories:

*The clerk who, after seeing Sam's Batman hat, dared to ask him a "hard" trivia question.  Of course Sam nailed it and the clerk was thoroughly impressed.
*The bird nest on our cabin porch that appeared to be empty; however, once the wind started, 5-6 starlings swarmed into the nest and huddled for warmth.
*Mike trying on several hats in the Long Beach hat store but refusing to let me take a picture because he "knew it would wind up on my blog!"....of course he was right about that!
*The school bus that was stuck trying to make a turn onto the main drag of Seaside.....hello??!!!  That is not the kind of street for a school bus!
*The Astoria Sunday market.
*How good a nice, long, warm shower felt after arriving back home!

Stubbs and a prarie dog...separated at birth?

Stubbs in kite mode

Beach in a Nutshell

Last Thursday found me cramming a TV, microwave, coffee pot, camp chairs, clothing, numerous bags of food, and four strapping teenage boys along with a hyper dog into the car and heading to Cape Disappointment in Ilwaco.  My Kia had become a low-rider at that point!  We ended up leaving around 3pm and cruised on the Washington side to get to Ilwaco. We unloaded the goods at the cabin then made our way over to Diva Luna's yurt campsite, where we had dinner with Luna, her hubby Mike, and stepmom Arlene.  After dinner we hit the beach; it was apparent Stubbs had never been on the beach before as he was somewhat leery of it at first and wanted Mama to hold him.  However, once he spotted a band of birds to break up, it was all over - he ran, he explored, and he had a great time.  Luna and I watched the sunset then my crew and I made our way back home to the cabin.

Friday morning we awoke to gray sky and wind.  Ugh.  At least there was no rain.  I thanked the Lord above that I was able to have coffee.  The night before we had discovered that use of the microwave throws the breaker so unfortunately that plan was out the window. 

We all met up and made our way to the Lewis and Clark Interpretive Center.  We wandered around the "bunkers" then made the hike over to the lighthouse and back before hitting the center.  Very educational and that hike wore me out!  We then headed toward Long Beach for the kite festival. Parking was at a premium but we found a couple of ideal spots and ventured toward the beach. I forgot to bring a leash for my Stubbs so I had fashioned one from a shoestring I had discovered in the fire pit at the our cabin. Unfortunately, Stubbs would have none of it. He bounced, he jumped, he insisted I carry him as we went from shop to shop on our way to the center of the kite festival. I ended up zipping him into my pink fleece vest, which garnered a lot of comments of "oh what a sweet dog", "how how precious". That dog was living the high life nestled against me wrapped in pink fleece!

Finally hitting the festivities, we wandered around the booths before picking up some lunch at one of the stands, which I of course had to share with Stubbs since his face was located directly in line with the route of my fork. We then made our way to the center of the festival - the kite flying. It was cold. It was windy. There were a ton of people. We got to see Ray Bethell, kite flyer extraordinaire, who is about 80 but still considered one of the best kite flyers in the world.

After the kite festival, the boys hit the go karts then we made our way back to the cabin. It was a very blustery day so we spent the rest of the evening watching movies and eating pizza.

Saturday all the boys, the dog, and myself tumbled back in to the Kia low rider and made our way to Seaside, where we spent the day at the outlet malls and wandering downtown. I broke down and purchased a doggie sling, which made my life bearable as Stubbs rode along in the sling rather than in my arms. The weather was fabulous - sunny, warm, and just lovely. Sam and his buddy Cody had purchased the day before two "weed" t-shirts so in honor of them I wore my Weed, California shirt. We looked like a bunch of stoner wannabes. Jordan wore his new black top hat and he and his buddy Jordan strolled the boardwalk with canes in hand. Oh we were a site! The highlight of my day was when the store clerk at the last shop I entered gave me a little wine to sip as I browsed. Boy did that hit the spot!

We spent the whole day at Seaside then met up with Mike and Luna at the cabin. The boys piled into the back of the truck and we took a shortcut to an awesome section of the beach. Mike built a fire then began flying his two-handled kite. I was lucky enough to take a turn and it was awesome. Jordan ran into two of his close friends on the beach so they spent time together. It was a great evening.

Our last day on Sunday was rainy and windy. I snuck out with Mike and Luna as we made our way into Long Beach for coffee and doughnuts at the Cottage Bakery. Yum! Once back to the cabin, we piled all of our things into the car, said our goodbyes, and made our way to Astoria. I browsed the Sunday Market while the boys browsed a comic store. Back into the car and back on the road; we made it home around 2pm so I had enough time to unpack and recover before the start of my Monday.

All of us had a fabulous time, everyone enjoyed the beach and the company, and the time was perfect to have a little R&R.

Sunset at Cape Disappointment

Stubbs enjoying the beach!

Luna in her ballet pose

Luna's shoes

Wild cucumber.....or weapon!

Jordan, Jordan, Cody and Sam hanging at the bunker

Diva in the bunker

More bunker

Mike and Stubbs

Jordan getting crabby

Lighthouse view

Random people at kite festival



Ray Bethell



Arrrr matey

Kites, kites and more kites

Diva and Stubbs

Sam flooring it

Sam and Jordan imitating each other

Bird nest at our cabin

Teens stuffed into back of truck



Diva flying the two handled kite



Warm!

Jordan stirring the flames