As many recently divorced women do, I spend time seeking out information on why I make the choices in men that I do. On more than one occasion, I have become smitten with what can only be termed a narcissistic psychopath, as defined below:
Narcissistic Psychopath
1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
3. Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions);
4. Requires excessive admiration;
5. Has a sense of entitlement;
6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends;
7. Lacks empathy;
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him;
9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes.
What draws me to this type of personality? If it is true that opposites attract, how does the above define my personality? Perhaps those with psychopathic traits seek out those who naturally have the qualities they unrealistically desire? Since I desire many of these qualities, it appears I am fooled into believing the men I meet actually possess these traits when it is really a facade. On the other hand, it could be I seek out what feels like "home" to me in a man, meaning I seek out the traits that were inherent in the male role model in my life - my father. One of the biggest eye openers I ran across was a 20-question quiz about Adult Children of Alcoholics. Answering honestly, I scored a whopping 95%! This definitely explains why I always go for the "wrong" type of man because this has been the definition of a husband my whole life!
Common Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics
- Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.
- Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.
- Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.
- Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.
- Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim.
- An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties.
- Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.
- An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors.
- A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of.
- Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings.
- Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical.
- Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.
- Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.
- Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others.
- A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others.
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