Compliments can be very hard for me to accept. I'm not exactly sure why, but it's uncomfortable for me to have the focus directly on myself....I'd rather it be about other people. That doesn't mean I'm a wallflower...I mean, hello, I do consider myself a Diva! However, when complimented I frequently say "Oh stop" or "Enough already." Perhaps this isn't the best tactic to take, especially when the one complimenting me is my new man. The following is an excerpt from an article I found on line about deflecting compliments. This article has inspired me to smile, say thank you, and accept the compliment as it was intended!
If you're uncomfortable receiving
compliments, it's likely that you discount compliments and thereby stop the
compliments from being made by that person again. The ways of discounting a
compliment include: suggesting that it was nothing or that someone else could
have done it better, thinking that the complimenter must be after something
from you, being embarrassed and blushing or giving a compliment in return,
being sarcastic or insisting that the complimenter doesn't mean what they say.
Each of these ways of deflecting a compliment results in putting down both
yourself and the giver of the compliment, so they're not actually very giving
or kind responses. If you have these problems in relation to accepting
compliments, try to see the motivation for discounting compliments in a
different light:
Modesty: If you
think that you're being modest by deflecting a compliment, think again. Modesty
is a virtue, provided it isn't taken to an extreme; like any other trait, it
has to exist in moderation. Modesty becomes a noose around your neck when it
cripples your style and causes you to overlook what you're good at and the
skills that define you. If you feel you need to compare yourself to someone who
is always going to be "better" than you, then it's time to stop the
comparisons, lower the bar of modesty and start respecting the good things
about yourself a whole lot more.
Distrust: If
you discount a compliment because you lack trust in the motivations of the
giver, then you're being aggressive or hostile. You're immediately assuming
that this person is being sycophantic and is weaseling their way into your good
books just for their own purposes. While there is a possibility from time to
time that an occasional person might be telling a white lie, most people are genuine
about giving compliments and deciding on whether or not someone is trustworthy
on the basis of compliments is a daft approach to life.
Trying
to match the compliment: If you feel obliged to give a
compliment in return for a compliment, it's likely that you're a people pleaser
and that you're trying to self-efface by batting back the compliment. If you
think "I can't keep this compliment, they deserve it more than me!"
and immediately scramble to bat it back to them, then it's possible you're
denying the beauty of the compliment you earned based on your own behavior and
way of being.
Think
about taking a compliment as an exercise in being assertive. An assertive person knows their self worth
and appreciates acknowledgement, but neither seeks it out nor rebuffs it when
received. More importantly, an assertive response is a recognition that you are
worth the compliment and that you are entitled to quell any negative voice that
seeks to deflect the compliment.
See
accepting a compliment as a compliment in itself. In accepting a
compliment, you are telling the other person that you trust their judgment,
their wisdom and their sense of self. Accepting compliments also tells the
other person that you appreciate what they have to say about you. More than
anything, focus on receiving the compliment rather than on its content. This
helps you to acknowledge the compliment and express appreciation for it being
given to you. Most importantly, since giving a compliment is a form of uttering
an opinion, stop yourself from disagreeing with it or you risk downplaying
someone else's opinion.
Decide
how you'd like to take the compliment. While it's clear that you can
deflect or discount a compliment in various ways, you can also respond to a
compliment positively in a number of ways. It really depends upon the context
that you're in and how you're perceiving the compliment. In particular, you can
choose an appropriate response to a compliment depending on whether you'd like
to accept the compliment itself at face value, even if you don't agree with it,
or if you'd like to accept the compliment's substance and reflect that in your
response, perhaps even using it to engage on further conversation.
When accepting the compliment as it is,
even if it's not something you agree with, keep the reply simple and stay
focused on the fact of receiving the compliment and be appreciative that the
person was happy to compliment you. Some examples are:
- "Thank
you very much" or just "thank you". These are simple,
timeless classics that should be easy enough to utter even if the
compliment has caught you off guard. If that's all you can think to say,
leave it at that.
- "Thanks,
I appreciate that."
- "Thank
you; that's a really lovely thing to say."
- "Thanks
- that makes me feel really good."
- "Thanks.
That means a lot to me."
- "Thanks,
you're a kind person."
Smile. When taking a compliment, smiling says a lot
without requiring you to say anything. You've probably earned it, so enjoy your
moment in the spotlight. Also, pay attention while you're being complimented.
If you give a person a half-hearted reply such as "whatever" or
"mhm", don't expect that person to be quick to compliment you again.
An expressive "thank you" is much better than a dreary "uh-huh."
