Of Loss and Love

Last night I shared an unexpected call from my friend Lynn.  Since I don't receive the paper anymore, she wanted to let me know that one of  my first flames circa 1982 had passed away at 49.  We then spent some time talking about the passage of time with other people - former bosses retiring, classmates who have passed away, and aging. 


Hearing that an old boyfriend passed away didn't necessarily affect me.  There were times we had fun together; there were times, at the end, that he was abusive to me so reliving those moments aren't part of my memories.  However, those times were important life lessons that led me to my current state of mind.


There are parts of my past love lives that anger me and fill me with resentment and disappointment.  During my daily walk the other day, which I've come to enjoy as a time of reflection, I was rolling around in my mind the romantic relationships with which I've been involved.  Why did I accept this behavior?  Why did I not listen to my gut instincts?  Why did I make those choices?  It then came to me that any anger still lingering about these men should be tossed to the wind, set aside in the past as they no longer affect my life in the present.  In addition, I should be grateful, rather than ashamed, for these relationships because they all provided learning experiences in my life.  Each relationship gave me unique gifts - two children and ultimately independence from my first marriage; two stepchildren from my second; and the ability to discern honesty from flattery and attention in the third.  It seems I've spent years justifying my marriages and making excuses for my poor mistakes when it comes to my love life.  However, in the true sense these were not mistakes - they occurred for specific reasons in order that a life lesson can be learned.  But now is the time to cast those memories to the moon since they have no bearing on my personal development for my future.


I've also learned from the behavior of past men how truly wonderful, honest, and ethical is my love for Michael.  He wants nothing from me other than my happiness and I the same for him.  Of course there have been trying times and struggles between us but those were times made for us to grow together and learn to support each other.  I can't say enough how I've been blessed having him in my life and I look forward to additional overwhelming memories of our time together.


Here's to living through life's struggles and joys and learning along the way!