Big Mama Bloat

A weight loss contest begins Monday at work and, due to my competitive nature, I of course signed up.  One of the employees is a trainer so she's putting together a food plan for me to follow.  Which means this is my last weekend of eating sugar and all sorts of naughty food before the journey to skinny begins.

In light of that, last night my dinner was homemade clam dip and chips topped off with Hostess mini chocolate covered doughnuts. Starting at 8pm.  Devoured in front of the TV while I watched Orange is the New Black. Followed by a deep conversation with son Sam which lasted until 1am.  Hopefully my motherly wisdom wasn't downplayed due to the bits of chocolate around my mouth, the dribble of dip on my shirt, and the faint odor of clam wafting out each time I uttered my opinion.

This morning I woke up and got out of bed.  Or should I say rolled out of bed. All that food resulted in the bloat fairy coming to visit - hard core without even leaving a buck, or diuretic under my pillow.

My body is swollen like a blue whale with PMS. My face is puffed out to my ears.  My fingers, chubby in their own right, have expanded to resemble plump German sausages nestled together in search of spicy mustard.

Getting ready to meet the world will be hard today. I'll be forced to dip into charcoal black eyeshadow to use as a contour on my cheeks.  Doubtful I own a muu-muu so the search will be on to find pants that can be slipped over my water-logged girth.

My face resembles a child in need of a kidney transplant so I must find a reasonable back story for explanation. Bee allergy?  Preparing for a role ala Renee Zellweger?   Not sure I'll be able to easily mutter 'clam dip" as an excuse for the puffiness that has come over me.

Here's to new starts and less bloat on Monday.  Hmmmm.....now didn't I have some Spumoni ice cream that needed polished off???